Unmarry me?

At 8:30 p.m. or something, unable to believe what had just happened, I called him and said, “I got through”. He was in a train enroute to his hometown. We were having our winter vacations in school. It might be 9 p.m. also since his train had started. He stayed back with me for a day. My tickets were booked for two days later.

I think he was the first person I called. My mum magically called me though the moment I was dialing his number. There’s something about family you know – something beyond human understanding I guess. She was happy and hearing her voice, I was too. I was more relieved I would say that finally, the weight from my chest had been lifted. Little did I know, the burden was just about to build.

What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when I say Long distance relationship? Yes, we thought pretty much the same. It’s terrible. It’s hard and it tests all aspects of both the partners, however little. He and I were both scared and sad as to how it was going to work out between us. We were skeptical, we were pessimists. But above all of that, we knew that we loved each other. And that feeling dominated all other feelings that were occupying our minds.

One night, before we were finally going to part for a long one year, he cried lying in my lap, saying that in the next one year he will be only having me close to him for 10 days. And this I say, when we have lived the last two years of your lives together, without a day spending with us not talking to each other.

It was the best, whatever we had.

And then I finally move away, far far away from him. In our first month away from each other, we had around three break ups? And then around two every passing month. But we would come back because none of us were brave enough to move away. I would rather say that we loved each other far too much to let any of that no time devotion shit kill our beautiful relationship.

But it was fine only till we figured out that it’s not just distance playing us. It’s a lot more than that.

Insecurity, in my words. Infidelity, in his.

I want to shout my heart out and talk about this to somebody but I won’t. Not that I haven’t done it in the past. But because I have made him mad about this too. Among other things.

If I talk to one of our friends, mind you which are my friends too, he would be sad about being judged. If I told the guy he was jealous of(because I admired certain skills of him) that I couldn’t talk to him because it would affect my personal relationship, he would be sad because that guy would tell the people he knows and he doesn’t want to be judged.
And what about that friend of mine who I am stopping to talk to despite my wishes against it, does he not deserve to know for the sake of our friendship, that why what is being done is done?

I mind leaving friends. I would describe myself as the kind of person who in her graduation days would boast about the fact that she had never left a friend for her boyfriend and was strictly against doing it in future as well. Little did she knew what love did to people.

Here I am, making no more friends ( guys ) ( I, as a matter of fact, am more comfortable with guys).

And hence, giving my boyfriend all the more reasons to blame me on things. He doubts me for not flirting with one or two guys, but within past 7 months, I have pushed 7 friends/acquaintances out of my life because he thought they were fuckers. Or rather, I might not mind being with them.

Now, If I tell you that I was in a relationship with this guy, for two years straight and never looked at another person then and still don’t look at any guy now. Mind you, I am saying “Look”, what would you make out of me?

Even an expert multi timer cannot have a thing for 7 guys in an year and I am entirely a one person girl.

But you know what the sadder part is? Saying the same thing over and over again to a person and then that person coming back to you the next time with the same accusations. I wish today that it was about distance.

I wish I could regain a cent of my dignity back. I wish I could move away or turn it all around. I wish we were together or I had never met him at all.

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