And I ask myself


Recalling the glorious moments you brought to life,
When you pushed me on stage under full limelight. 
Then snapping myself back into the reality of today,
When thinking of our ruins, my fate loses its light. 
And I ask myself,
Are you my deepest fear or my whole might? 

When I am enduring some of my life’s greatest aches,
I think of you and in that second, every physical feeling fades.
And I ask myself,
Are you my pain or my biggest solace?

Crazy I think I always have been, but now I do not feel senile.
With your shadow peeking into my life every once in a while.
I ask myself,
Are you my peace or my restlessness?

With every gentle touch of yours, it was as if I was flying,
Now ingesting your anger, it is as if my body feels uncouth.
And I ask myself,
Are you my purity or a reminder of my sinfulness?

The most fulfilled that I felt of myself was when you held me close,
But that was then and ever since that,
I have not been able to cope with your loss.
So today I ask myself, 
Are you everlasting love or my constant misery?
A streak of happiness or my agonizing pain?
My completion or an eternal promise of desolation?
I guess I will always ask myself. 

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BELIEF

A soft breeze brushes my cheeks today,
While I watch fire gushing the blue sky.
Painting it in its golden hues,
Picturesque with the sight of birds flying high.

I stand at the shore and breathe the emptiness in,
Blinking only as the cold water hits my feet. 
A moment of filling my heart up to the brim,
Before I feel the earth slipping underneath.

And exactly like wounds from the truth,
The pit only goes deeper with each wave.
Till the time I make my mind,
Whether standing there, it’s the emptiness I wish to feel,
Or to embrace newness and offer myself a chance to heal.

But all that time that I choose to stand at that spot,
And I feel the sand sweeping from under my feet.
I wonder if I will ever be complete.
And I wonder how you think you can live fulfilled?

They say nothing is perfect
And no one is impeccable. 
Then why do I feel,
That the two of us together were beyond perfect?

You shall smile a lot my child,
And you shall find happiness.
But what you may not find,
Without me is the air filled with bliss.

But next time when I cross your mind,
Know that deprivation of love,
In a life so long,
Is a curse you chose.
And with this, I accept our love’s defeat
Chesting an unconscious heart and a died BELIEF.

An inch lighter

Before I begin to describe,

On what it is today that I want to write.

I will ask you to bear with me

Yet another time.

After all genuine attempts of keeping away,

And of giving you your well deserved space.

I once again knock at your door today,

After what seems like a lifetime away.  

To plead for a thing last.

Free me of all my memories

The ones that make me fly.

And the ones burying me six feet under. 

Free me and I shall erase

All our remains hanging in open space

All the memories I have of you and of us,

And all that binds us in a parallel universe.

What shall remain are the years,

And the life I accept that has been lived once.

I will accept with unwilling open arms,

That what lies ahead are days purposeless,

And a life devoid of its meaning.

With a shame clinging to it for the past deeds,

And a shame in feeling all of this.


But on you, the love of my life,

No burden of it shall ever be implied. 

Albeit without you, I will forever be blind.

And the day shall never again find its light.

Amor de mi vida

The evening that I laid my eyes, 
On that red shirt with mere surprise.

I couldn’t get my head around how were so graceful, 
Recalling exactly how we got lost in our simple conversation.

So much so that we forgot to look outside,
And didn’t appreciate the beauty of that blessed night.
It was a meteor shower, 
With each grain carrying a blessing. 

And so I found you so close to me, 
Holding me gently under the next moon crescent.

Have I ever told you how it felt so fulfilled, 
To be wrapped in the warmth of your arms. 
To know that there’s nothing I want further, 
But to stay lost in the world of your charm. 

At that instant and in that moment, 
I found everything I could wish for. 
And we let ourselves flow in the wind of ardor, 
Intoxicated by the stars we saw in each others’ eyes.
Lost in the magic we created, 
Afraid each moment of it not lasting forever, 
Albeit faithful that even the universe
Could not destroy something so pure.
Looking back today, I feel that we lived a lifetime, 
In each second we spent together. 
And while we may find happiness,
We shall never feel complete. 

RISE

All along the reflections on life,
Rests in me a constant sense of regret.
Like in the midst of perennial loneliness,
I catch the sound of my own footsteps.

I unlock the door and start walking into my hall,
But just as I enter, I hear the emptiness growl.
There is no one to turn to and nowhere to hide,
Wrote my own fate, now there is no turning of the tide.

What I didn’t know back then was that I wasn’t strong, 
Went to a place far off, but it was not where I belong.
I tried to get aside so you could live your life,
But you don’t leave my mind despite all my tries.

I cannot any longer hold back the tears,
Cannot pretend anymore like you are not there.
What I can is to try to pull myself back up,
Stop collecting hopes from our scattered memory crumbs.
To come out of this abyss of lost love,
Accept defeat and yet rise above.


Slowly

 

Your mind’s conquest,

And our hearts’ eternal unrest

Go together, hand in hand. 

While the weight of my deeds,

Pushes me deep

Down under at our behest. 

 

And I lie at the rock bottom

Of this ocean called life, 

Almost as if my hands were tied,

Helpless as if buoyancy has tried.

To thrust me back up, 

But hard in my face our memories rub.

 

So I keep right there, making no effort to retreat.

Staying calm, like there’s nothing to achieve.

Slowly suffocating myself, slowly getting numb.

Building castles in air that one day you will come.

And if you don’t,

What good is life anyway.

 

Such is the power of our love

That it has both you and I,

Crying our hearts out in the middle of the night.

While our emptiness eats us from inside,

And we dream of what life could have been like.

 

Nothingness

There’s sound of chaos and melody of activity,
And yet what I hear is the echo of my heartbeat.

I look up to see the world, 
But everything is moving so fast. 
I stay still, trying to breathe in, 
But in a jiffy, life marched past.
While I stood right there,
Moving to the rhythm of our dance.

So I snap back in what seems real
this very moment,
And there is nothing that I feel.
I look for you everywhere but
It is as if life itself is concealed.

And just as I happen to grasp,
The meaning of nothingness and its clasp
in my life, I am out like a light,
Standing still yet all stupefied.
That I look at myself, 
And I witness inertness in its full vitality.